who is sleep?
I'm addicted to being sleep-deprived. I hope I'm joking, I really do hope…
But with each day, I only get convinced more and more. I complete more tasks when I'm heavily sleep-deprived. I get the greatest gym sessions when I don't sleep the night. I eat good when I skip the sleep. I feel, paradoxically, more alive and energetic when I'm fucking sleep-deprived.
I start my day early and strong (because I don't sleep the night) and conquer it. Then, when the night hits, I go to sleep tired, wasted, exhausted, depleted, drained, finished, and dead.
I slowly fall asleep, dreaming of the next day, hoping that this time the curse will end, and I will finally fix my sleep schedule and wake up fresh…
How naive of me.
— Arslan, December 3, 4:38pm
It Took Two Weeks
I had a good streak. Two weeks of solid and (pretty) consistent sleep schedule. And thus, first of all, I'm very proud of myself.
But, as you can see from my past tense — it is over. I mean, the streak. Eh, I'm dramatizing and romanticizing, as usual. Let me continue.
So, I ended my streak yesterday when I didn't wake up early due to late sleep (3 AM), and then, even with the alarm, I simply hit 'Snooze' a thousand times and kept my head on the soft magnetic pillow and my body under the lightweight and cozy blanket. I had dozens of scenarios going through my mind, each more sweet and delirious than the previous, thus keeping this never-ending dream fever going and going and going.
So… Yeah, the lyrical apparatus is done, and now the finale: I woke up very late and just had the very same idea that occurs to me each this kind of event bestows upon me — do not sleep.
Humans truly do not learn from their mistakes. At least me. At least partially. Oh, wait.
That's exactly what I wanted to write about in this rumination.
Don't Trust Morpheus
During the day, especially after the afternoon and forth, I felt bad, OVERWHELMINGLY bad. Some depressive thoughts started crawling to me and slowly choking me to despair: I started having insane thoughts of giving up and making my already overthinking mind to even more OVER-state of OVER-drive. Yeah. It was bad. But eventually, I just got good momentum, went outside and finally bought eggs! YEAH BABY, EGGS! LET'S GO!
And now, I'm typing these words to jot down an important lesson, well, not a lesson per se, but a reminder. Yes, indeed — a reminder. We know about that, Arslan. We know.
We suffer more in imagination than in reality.
Especially when your mind is in this specific vulnerable state. DO NOT TRUST YOUR JUDGEMENT at such periods. Just survive. Eh, sounds a bit negative, but well — heck it, it is what it is. We don't layer it with additional semantics, we purely use the actual functional meaning behind this word — SURVIVE.
One of the main motivations behind this particular rumination is to write it as a Diary Log. Keeping a personal log of your conscious(and not-so-conscious) stream is a great practice, and we know that, Arslan.
Thus, I wanted to make it sound as a narrative, as a personal note. And, well, it is a personal note, duh.
Finita La Comedia
So, to conclude, Arslan — just remember to NOT get your thoughts that occur in a state of sleep-deprivation-based delirium seriously and closely. These are just thoughts. And you are not your thoughts. Your mind is a machine for thoughts, and its sole purpose is to generate those. But what to do with these thoughts is in your control, and your responsibility.
Simply observe. And let them flow away with the stream.
Good night,
Arslan